New Year. New Me. A lovely concept but more often than not – bullshit.
New Year isn’t an organic period of growth, it’s forced upon us. An ideal, a concept so unobtainable that it’s no wonder January gives us the blues. All these ideas based upon the thought process that human beings are rational thinkers is based upon nonsense, we’re not robots – emotions get sticky, mental health is hard, especially around this time of year. So drop the expectations, the notion that you are somehow going to be greater, far grander and even more talented this year than ever before. Growth happens throughout our life, at unexpected times, amongst horrid people, amongst amazing people and sometimes it hurts – the only guarantee is that its timing is not.
Earlier on this year I dropped out of uni, which I must say was the biggest relief of my life but also the hardest. With it a tsunami of emotions ensued – calmness followed by worthlessness, fear and a bucket load of self loathing. We’re all expected to take the same path nowadays, University was rammed down our throats from the minute we began GCSE’s so it’s no surprise that I felt like the greatest failure alive for having dropped out. Be that as it may upon greater inspection, I realised there’s a great deal of us out there who have done the same. Human beings can’t be put into boxes, labelled up and shipped off onto the same path, that’s what makes it all so interesting. No two of us are exactly the same, terrifying but also rather comforting. Life isn’t about comparison, it’s not about whose the most succesful or where we think we’re going. We make plans to kid ourselves that we are somewhat in control of these gloriously unpredictable lives of ours, but that isn’t how the universe works. People come and go, so do emotions and lessons.
There was one thing I promised myself coming into 2019 – to be present in every moment of my life, to feel everything. Joy, fear, despair, contentment. Putting this in to practice has taught me a lot, but most importantly that it’s not about waiting for the right moment, for the big house or the dream job or the perfect relationship. Happiness comes from peace, being at peace with yourself and trusting that you’re making the right decisions for you, despite criticism and others expecation. Self doubt is a condition of being, it’s okay to feel melancholy, it’s okay to have bad days, weeks and years. Comparison is deadly, focus on your own kind of happy and leave everybody else to theirs.
I guess the most important thing that has dawned on me in my 21 years on this planet is that it’s not about what everybody thinks of me or even sometimes what I think of myself, it’s about finding people who make you feel glad to be alive. Those kind of people that light a spark within you, with fire in their tummies and laughter in their bones. I thank god & the universe every day for the people I’ve been blessed with, all those magnificently, flawed, imperfect human beings that make you feel a little more whole and a lot less broken.
So have a Happy New Year and rock on!